Once every year, my parents would attend the “Annual Parent-Teacher Meeting'' organised in my school. I wasn’t a particularly bright student and yet I would be nervous. Every single time. This was a moment when my two worlds would collide, my only two worlds at that time. My parents, who had been my entire world until recently, were now only part of it. There was this innate desire to legitimise this new world being built around me (that of my academic fervour). Each report card handed by my teacher wasn’t just a reflection of my academic progress that year, it seemed like a judgement of how well I have built this new world by myself. This flowed into other interactions my parents had on that day. An encouraging comment from my teacher, or my friends walking up and greeting me and my parents, each was a validation that this new world I had built by myself was well fleshed out.
It has been ten years since I left school and since then I have built many other worlds. There is one of my professional career, one of my social life and of course, a special one with the love of my life. I have been hunkered down building them. It is not that I feel forced to build these worlds, in fact it feels instinctive. Instinct or not, I pause every now and then to look around at what I have built. And over time I have learnt to appreciate them.
But yesterday, I felt the same nervousness I had felt all those years ago. My parents were visiting me for the first time as a grown up, working class man. They have visited me earlier, but this time it felt different. This time I was showcasing what I have been working on for the past ten years. My heart had been racing and my palms were sweaty. I should have been excited, why was I nervous? I had learnt to appreciate the worlds I was building for their intrinsic value that they posed to me. And yet, I felt butterflies in my stomach.
Yes, my first world was colliding with all my new worlds. But this time I was also realising why this moment was special. This, rather mundane event for many, was in fact the first time I was picking up my parents from the airport, driving them to my new house, to meet my fiance and her family. Those are a lot of firsts.
However, as I saw my parents exit the airport for the first time, something changed. All the tension seemed to flow away at a moment’s notice. Tears began to well up under my eyes. I walked up to both of them and hugged them harder than ever. I had truly missed them.
In that moment I let go of that nervousness I had held onto for my entire life. I just loved my parents too deeply now. I did not fear what my life would reflect about me, I was just grateful that my parents were even getting a window into it.
Life is not a report card.